vapour | (no subject)

[ nods a little. ]

...Then please look away for a moment.

[Turns away for a moment]

[ buries his face back in his arms now as he is absolutely disgusted and miserable and full of guilt and self-loathing right now, combined with an extra special dose of feeling absolutely worthless on top of the effects of torture and abuse involving forced starvation. his hunger is ravenous, but he has no energy to do anything about it, and all he can really manage in his head at this point are the god awful screams of that storyteller being burned alive, the hatred and fear and pain of the storyteller that was starved and abused, and the despite of one that was hung and sentenced to death by lightning strike only for them to not be lucky enough to die from it.

for the first time since he's been on this boat— or hell since he can even remember —he starts to really sob (quietly but not silent), having the one last thing he had at least been able to hold onto this entire time on the boat finally taken away from him: even if he was alone, he could always take care of himself even if left for dead. as someone who only sees the value in himself as a tool, this new revelation is now proof to him that he's really never been more useless and worthless than he is now.

and he hates it.

he doesn't want to go home. he doesn't want to see anyone. he doesn't wish for things to be different. he doesn't envy anyone else even though there's so much to envy. he simply wants to cease to exist because for him there is nothing worse than this feeling of inadequacy, because it means things can no longer change for the better. how do you come to terms with the fact that you aren't good enough to survive on your own when you have no one? how do you walk a lonely road knowing now that you can no longer weather the storm by yourself?

you don't.

( you just fall apart and let the pieces lay scattered because no one will be picking the pieces up to help you, and you no longer are useful enough to do it yourself. )

of course, in reality he has people. they care, too, he won't belittle their feelings by ignoring them, especially with one of them right here granting his request to look away— but none of them care in the way that he needs, and he will never try and ask for more than he is given. and because of that he will never have someone in the way he needs it, especially right now.

so he needs this moment to grieve about it. ]

[Reaches back blindly, feeling around until he finds Sam's hand, giving it a little squeeze]

[ ...

he'll squeeze back lightly in return but only because it still hurts. If it didn't, he would probably be clinging a lot more tightly.

regardless it helps. it helps a lot, even. ]

[Laces their fingers, swinging their hands a little]

[ will eventually kiss Jewel's knuckles finally before speaking up, his voice quiet but not as raspy and raw as before. He will not pull his hand away and keeps their fingers laced, just watching their hands holding each other. ]

...Is your voice okay?

Voice is fine. Ears hurt. Can't hear well.

Ah... I'm sorry. Hopefully we can get rid of these effects quickly.

[ He'll gently tug Jewel forward a bit as he goes to lift up and very carefully kiss against one of his ears. ]

We can hope.

[Reaches up to pat his back gently]

Is that the worst you got to deal with?

Edited 2025-03-20 03:07 (UTC)

...it was not.

[ squeezes his hand a little. ]

...I'm sorry. You don't have to explain, but if I can do anything, don't hesitate to tell me.

I forgot something important. And I saw something I can't unsee.

Hopefully we all can fix these troubles everyone is suffering from and get you that important something back.

As for the latter... that is more difficult. If it really becomes too much, though, I can help with that a little.

I got it back luckily…but how would you help with the other thing?

Okay, good. [ but he still gets why knowing something important was forgotten even with it returned can be upsetting.

Sam is quiet a moment after being asked that before finally replying hesitantly: ]

...I... can erase and rewrite people's memories with my Blessing.

Edited 2025-03-21 03:06 (UTC)

[...whistles a bit at that]

That's quite the blessing. Have you used it much?

Almost never on anyone else unless it could save their life.

I don't even let other people know because I don't want them afraid I'm tampering with their memories. You can tell when I have versus when I don't unless I'm with you every day at least for a period of time... but that's not very comforting for anyone.

Well. If it helps... I don't think you've tampered with mine.

[ laughs a bit although ends up coughing ]

...Good, because I definitely want all your memories and feelings regarding me not ever messed with.

I'll do my best to never ask you to use it.

...But if it would truly better your situation, I will always want to help you however I can.

Wouldn't that make your situation worse though?

How so?

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