you needed rest, chiff. you were going to hurt yourself if you didn't. did you get any sleep?
I wasn't, Cirrus is really lively now and we had a lot of visitors. I even visited someone at Siren's and then saw Brocade and etc. I was busy. What about you were you alone?
I did. Aviana was there with me. She's the only one who stayed when I asked her to. She's the only one besides Ore who checked on me when we were put back together. Felt just revived near me so that was a given. And Acidia had just died like us.
No one else did, or could, because they had others they were already worried about. And others who were already there for them.
So I wondered. Did anyone even think of me? Would anyone have thought of me, if I hadn't gone to them?
Even you... You've been smelling like Jewel a lot more than others, too.
And Lithium, of course He loves Brocade, and has many others.
And Brocade has more love for everyone else Never letting me do more for him because he thinks that's how to care.
So I asked myself... Why am I even here beyond being in your orbits?
No one thinks of me at all as someone they want to turn to in times where it matters. Even when I want to be there for them.
I'm not angry at you. Maybe I'm hurt, yes. But not at *you* or anyone in particular. Just to be clear.
I don't feel valued. I don't feel necessary. And I won't demand that from people who never even needed to give me that in the first place.
I'm glad to hear it. Thank you. But it doesn't change how I've felt. Especially with everything and everyone else.
It's not your fault I'm feeling this way. I think it's been building up for a while.
If it was just you and Lithium, or just Aster and Hyacinth, It may not have mattered to me. I've never cared or minded who else anyone was with.
But when everyone you want to be there for Chooses someone else over you Sees them more, seeks them out more
It doesn't feel very good. And I don't like feeling badly for anyone I want to be there for. Just because they weren't there for me when I wanted them.
Listen, I'm not telling you to think one way or the other. You have to feel your way around this before we can work through it.
you don't have to answer this, but:
What if the first person you asked to stay with you had said yes? Would you have dedicated all your time to them, would you have split it up because you want to be with your other loved ones, too, what? And would you have felt happy, then, and never come to feel this way if the first person had simply done that?
You said Aviana was the only one who stayed with you when you asked. What if you had asked Aviana first before everyone else? Would you have been happy and not feeling this way or questioning your worth or would you have told Aviana that you wanted to check on your others to make sure you weren't needed "more" elsewhere? And what if everyone else except Aviana still prioritized someone? Would you have felt underappreciated or just glad that you didn't have to worry so you could enjoy your time with Aviana?
What if everyone came to you, Chiff? Who would you choose?
These are questions you have to answer at some point. I don't think now is the right time, but knowing you it won't come up again at a more pleasant time for me to ask these.
I can answer it because I did think about it. I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days...
Of course I'd have been happy she said yes. Of course I'd stay with her as long as she could give me the time I needed in that moment, and of course I'd check on others as best as I could even in that state.
If I wanted to be with anyone else "more" and they were welcoming to it, and asked me, even Aviana would encourage me to go to them, just like I'd do for her. If someone else wanted me to stay with them a little longer, I would come back to them without question, because like I expect them to have people they're worried about, I would, too.
You know that I never break my promises.
So... It's not about who I'd choose. If everyone came to me, I'm selfish enough to ask them all to stay as long as they can by my side. I'm not stupid, though- to think I'd be the only one they'd worry about. But the fact that they asked and looked for me at all would reassure me, just like you said you wouldn't have left me alone there.
Hypotheticals aside, that didn't happen. The reality of it was through no fault of anyone's, timing, or even consideration that perhaps someone else would care for me- did anyone I later sought out look for me first.
And I have no reason to believe that if and when this happens again, that will change.
I'm not someone anyone thinks of first, and that's alright.
It doesn't mean I'll stop loving any of you as I do.
I just want to express that this situation hurt me the way it happened, and what led up to me feeling this way.
Even if nothing can be done about it now. But I didn't want to not say anything to someone I've called a lover, and pursued for that intimacy on my own.
There are things I can only say to you that I can't to others, after all. You might be angry and upset, you may even feel guilty about it, or perhaps you might think this is a waste of time. You should feel everything you want to.
Just like I am. And right now, all I want is to heal from feeling this way. However that shapes up.
But I didn't want to act like nothing was wrong. It would make me feel worse if I did that.
And I want you to continue to feel you can say these things without trouble or change. I'm not upset. I'm not angry. If I'm guilty, it's because you made me realize I was doing something I didn't want to ever find myself doing.
That doesn't mean I want to convince you of my priorities or not.
but these will never change: - you are the only person I have been able to feel I can trust right from our first exchange. - you are the only person I actually felt a real loss over when you disappeared rather than it being simply all my self-pity and abandonment issues. - you are the only one that I feel I can let my guard down and if I fuck up you won't hold it against me - you are the only one I know for sure that I don't want absent from my life again.
[ She takes a little while to reply to this, not that she doubted Sam felt only in a certain way for her. But perhaps, had he said this three days ago, she'd have been so much more confident and happier about it than she is now.
Because right now it's just acknowledged, and accepted.
Not that she doesn't appreciate seeing it all the same. Because like Forte said to her, she knows how to love people. ]
Thank you, my baby Fox. For being so understanding.
I won't disappear from your life. You know where to find me when you need me, but I won't expect you to. I don't have anyone of my own, aside from you all, anyway, but I'll do my best to be there only when I'm capable of it, too.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'd like to stop sleeping together and kissing, at least for a little while. All of this made me realize I didn't like you smelling of others when you were with me that way, even if I'm always going to be alright with you having other lovers.
Though that's going to be difficult when you're as sexy as you are. Which is why I say for a little while. Is that alright?
Not right now. But I'll initiate hugs when I feel fine with them with you and some others again. And you can hug me whenever you want, after that.
For now, no sex and sleeping over, no kissing and hugs. We can hold hands, though. And you can touch my head if you want.
[ Considering how tactile she is, this is a huge ask. ]
You do give the best hugs, and I usually love your kisses and when we have sex, so I hate that I'm doing this. But I want to not feel like I'm an afterthought as a person, first.
[ this is fine he never wants to have sex ever again this point he just wants to erase the last twenty-four hours but oh well deal with it Sam you only got three people who currently hate you in the moment, that's fine mostly. oh and you found out some new people care about you, Sam. They didn't want you jumping off the ship. and they encouraged you to try and fix shit. Except he can't do anything fcck.
okook. this is fine. He's just going to finish this up and go to the rage room with brocade and everything will be f i n e .
chiffon is not angry at you, she hurt because she has such bad taste. But she's not going to leave you and you should be groveling in graciousness.
belle did not ask to deal with my shit and I dumped it on him. He's never been that harsh with me before but I'm sure this too will blow over and I won't have to even apologize for being a selfish fuck.
Jewel is whatever the fuck. There is nothing that's going to happen he's probably already fucking at least five other people oh Sam doesn't care though because fucking body parts right now are so unsexy anyway son of a bitch he is going to strangle that cunt producer when this is all said and done. and Jewel doesn't even have you most likely because he didn't give a flying fuck to begin with.
Is this just a panic attack his dick is having because he's not going to get sex for a while? could be really be that shallow? ]
[ clearly the best option is to distract himself and also blame someone else for all of this. Not Chiffon, but anyone else. okay he can't blame Jewel either Belle's resting bitch face is still very clear in his mind along with him beating me with the slab of REASONS WHY YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID BITCH SAMUEL A MURDOCH I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THIS TOPIC
except my body is still twitching two hours later and he's not done wringing me out to dry yet!!
by the way did I ever even confirm a celebrity is worth it? Belle's right this is disgusting behavior
ohh I still haven't written a reply to Chiff just gonna hold this thought. ]
You can call on me if you want, whenever you like. That's not going to change.
I know it will feel awkward, but like this, I won't expect more from you when you'd rather give it to anyone else. And I'll stop being so dependent. But I'll be there for you when you're ready, too.
Just please... don't feel like you're deserving of hate or that you did something terrible that you deserve to be hated for.
You're a beautiful person, my Little Fox. Just a little unhinged and adorable, and so thoughtful when it comes down to it. I know you'll find whatever you're looking for to satisfy yourself, with or without me.
I'll always believe in your ability to have your true amazing and kind self shine through the hurt and fear you armor yourself with. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't love you on knowing you.
Some people really don't realize the real treasure they have on hand when they do. But they surely will in time, just as I did.
[ today and the last twelve days are exactly why are the way you. you're trying so hard to protect yourself you hurt everyone that gives half a shit. And then you whine about them leaving you.
Everyone leaves you, Sam.
Because you make them.
how did I actually destroy the only two longest relationships I've had that didnt start out as convenience and I took an instant liking to in less than 24 hour?
Oh yeah
goddamn skill issue, Sam
I hate it I hate this. I hate them I hate myself. I hate hate hate hate hate hatehatehateevery person because if it's not hate it has to be love because that's the lll only other emotion close enough and I can't can't can't especially after ruining suddenly decide I love them instead—
I am begging you, self, just pick someone anyone to blame that's not us. Just for a little while, anyone is FINE just separate it from it. ]
[ taking that memory was a bad idea while like this. But at least, he assures himself as he stares up coldly at the ceiling, he finally figured the real person to blame for this. ]
...Vera, the least you could have done after everything was make sure that you pulled the trigger on me the same way you did on yourself instead of only killing one of us, you selfish—
[ he doesn't feel good, he's going to be sick. whatever he knows how to deal with it and that's exactly what he'll roll off his bed to go and do. ]
[ oh wait, that's also your fault because you're so goddamn scared of feeling anything that you don't let anyone feel for you
Have I figured out who to blame this on yet, it's really fucking important I absolve myself right now— Should I blame Jun? No he didn't do anything recently I can't even pretend he fucked up my coffee because I blew his phone up the night before one of his tests. ]
Chiffon. No. Jewel. No. Belle. No. Jun. No. Sparrow. No. Icarus you dumb bitch you're never around when I need you if I had any contact with you in the last month I could kick this off on you. No. Audra WHY— No. Coquette. Ahh no she's now only the only one that's gonna spread her legs for you, she's also the only one that will fuck you and maybe step on you for good measure. No. Uriel. No. Gray. THIS IS YOUR GODDAMN SON'S FAULT— No. Hex. No. Acidia. No. Sun Sign. No. Eonia. No. Holy Order. No. Unholy Disorder. No. Siren's Melodies. Probably—ok no. Cirrus. No. Forge. No. Booker. Sure except he hasn't pissed me off yet due to nebulous time stamps. No. Breezy. No. Cash. No. Friday. Why n— okay, no.
I know a lot more people than I remember knowing before and yet I can't actually find anyone to blame this on what the hell is wrong with me is my conscious not even letting me emotionally cope with this shit by being an ass where only I know I am being an ass. Brocade. Actually it's it time v to meet with him yet No.
[ fuck it I don't care about anyone or anything I'm gonna go eat my star candy and see what fucking misery business the Ticketmaster gave me that will surely distract me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Day 213-4-ish, night (nebulous time for now)
I felt alone.
Even though I was near who I consider my little brothers.
It felt lonely to cry like that.
...
After we parted, I wasn't in much of a state to be there for you, or anyone.
You haven't been alone all this time, have you?
Re: Day 213-4-ish, night (nebulous time for now)
I wasn't, Cirrus is really lively now and we had a lot of visitors. I even visited someone at Siren's and then saw Brocade and etc. I was busy. What about you were you alone?
Re: Day 213-4-ish, night (nebulous time for now)
Aviana was there with me.
She's the only one who stayed when I asked her to. She's the only one besides Ore who checked on me when we were put back together.
Felt just revived near me so that was a given.
And Acidia had just died like us.
No one else did, or could, because they had others they were already worried about.
And others who were already there for them.
So I wondered.
Did anyone even think of me?
Would anyone have thought of me, if I hadn't gone to them?
Even you...
You've been smelling like Jewel a lot more than others, too.
And Lithium, of course
He loves Brocade, and has many others.
And Brocade has more love for everyone else
Never letting me do more for him because he thinks that's how to care.
So I asked myself...
Why am I even here beyond being in your orbits?
No one thinks of me at all as someone they want to turn to in times where it matters.
Even when I want to be there for them.
I'm not angry at you.
Maybe I'm hurt, yes.
But not at *you* or anyone in particular.
Just to be clear.
I don't feel valued.
I don't feel necessary.
And I won't demand that from people who never even needed to give me that in the first place.
Re: Day 213-4-ish, night (nebulous time for now)
Re: Day 213-4-ish, night (nebulous time for now)
But it doesn't change how I've felt.
Especially with everything and everyone else.
It's not your fault I'm feeling this way.
I think it's been building up for a while.
If it was just you and Lithium,
or just Aster and Hyacinth,
It may not have mattered to me.
I've never cared or minded who else anyone was with.
But when everyone you want to be there for
Chooses someone else over you
Sees them more, seeks them out more
It doesn't feel very good.
And I don't like feeling badly for anyone I want to be there for.
Just because they weren't there for me when I wanted them.
Re: Day 213-4-ish, night (nebulous time for now)
Listen, I'm not telling you to think one way or the other. You have to feel your way around this before we can work through it.
you don't have to answer this, but:
What if the first person you asked to stay with you had said yes? Would you have dedicated all your time to them, would you have split it up because you want to be with your other loved ones, too, what? And would you have felt happy, then, and never come to feel this way if the first person had simply done that?
You said Aviana was the only one who stayed with you when you asked. What if you had asked Aviana first before everyone else? Would you have been happy and not feeling this way or questioning your worth or would you have told Aviana that you wanted to check on your others to make sure you weren't needed "more" elsewhere? And what if everyone else except Aviana still prioritized someone? Would you have felt underappreciated or just glad that you didn't have to worry so you could enjoy your time with Aviana?
What if everyone came to you, Chiff? Who would you choose?
These are questions you have to answer at some point. I don't think now is the right time, but knowing you it won't come up again at a more pleasant time for me to ask these.
Re: Day 213-4-ish, night (nebulous time for now)
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days...
Of course I'd have been happy she said yes. Of course I'd stay with her as long as she could give me the time I needed in that moment, and of course I'd check on others as best as I could even in that state.
If I wanted to be with anyone else "more" and they were welcoming to it, and asked me, even Aviana would encourage me to go to them, just like I'd do for her. If someone else wanted me to stay with them a little longer, I would come back to them without question, because like I expect them to have people they're worried about, I would, too.
You know that I never break my promises.
So... It's not about who I'd choose. If everyone came to me, I'm selfish enough to ask them all to stay as long as they can by my side. I'm not stupid, though- to think I'd be the only one they'd worry about. But the fact that they asked and looked for me at all would reassure me, just like you said you wouldn't have left me alone there.
Hypotheticals aside, that didn't happen. The reality of it was through no fault of anyone's, timing, or even consideration that perhaps someone else would care for me- did anyone I later sought out look for me first.
And I have no reason to believe that if and when this happens again, that will change.
I'm not someone anyone thinks of first, and that's alright.
It doesn't mean I'll stop loving any of you as I do.
I just want to express that this situation hurt me the way it happened, and what led up to me feeling this way.
Even if nothing can be done about it now. But I didn't want to not say anything to someone I've called a lover, and pursued for that intimacy on my own.
There are things I can only say to you that I can't to others, after all. You might be angry and upset, you may even feel guilty about it, or perhaps you might think this is a waste of time. You should feel everything you want to.
Just like I am. And right now, all I want is to heal from feeling this way. However that shapes up.
But I didn't want to act like nothing was wrong. It would make me feel worse if I did that.
Re: Day 213-4-ish, night (nebulous time for now)
That doesn't mean I want to convince you of my priorities or not.
but these will never change:
- you are the only person I have been able to feel I can trust right from our first exchange.
- you are the only person I actually felt a real loss over when you disappeared rather than it being simply all my self-pity and abandonment issues.
- you are the only one that I feel I can let my guard down and if I fuck up you won't hold it against me
- you are the only one I know for sure that I don't want absent from my life again.
Re: Day 213-4-ish, night (nebulous time for now)
Because right now it's just acknowledged, and accepted.
Not that she doesn't appreciate seeing it all the same. Because like Forte said to her, she knows how to love people. ]
Thank you, my baby Fox.
For being so understanding.
I won't disappear from your life. You know where to find me when you need me, but I won't expect you to.
I don't have anyone of my own, aside from you all, anyway, but I'll do my best to be there only when I'm capable of it, too.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'd like to stop sleeping together and kissing, at least for a little while.
All of this made me realize I didn't like you smelling of others when you were with me that way, even if I'm always going to be alright with you having other lovers.
Though that's going to be difficult when you're as sexy as you are. Which is why I say for a little while. Is that alright?
Re: Day 213-4-ish, night (nebulous time for now)
Of course. Are hugs still all right or...?
Re: Day 213-4-ish, night (nebulous time for now)
But I'll initiate hugs when I feel fine with them with you and some others again.
And you can hug me whenever you want, after that.
For now, no sex and sleeping over, no kissing and hugs.
We can hold hands, though. And you can touch my head if you want.
[ Considering how tactile she is, this is a huge ask. ]
You do give the best hugs, and I usually love your kisses and when we have sex, so I hate that I'm doing this.
But I want to not feel like I'm an afterthought as a person, first.
1/?
okook. this is fine. He's just going to finish this up and go to the rage room with brocade and everything will be f i n e .
chiffon is not angry at you, she hurt because she has such bad taste. But she's not going to leave you and you should be groveling in graciousness.
belle did not ask to deal with my shit and I dumped it on him. He's never been that harsh with me before but I'm sure this too will blow over and I won't have to even apologize for being a selfish fuck.
Jewel is whatever the fuck. There is nothing that's going to happen he's probably already fucking at least five other people oh Sam doesn't care though because fucking body parts right now are so unsexy anyway son of a bitch he is going to strangle that cunt producer when this is all said and done. and Jewel doesn't even have you most likely because he didn't give a flying fuck to begin with.
Is this just a panic attack his dick is having because he's not going to get sex for a while? could be really be that shallow? ]
2
except my body is still twitching two hours later and he's not done wringing me out to dry yet!!
by the way did I ever even confirm a celebrity is worth it? Belle's right this is disgusting behavior
ohh I still haven't written a reply to Chiff just gonna hold this thought. ]
3
no subject
That's not going to change.
I know it will feel awkward, but like this, I won't expect more from you when you'd rather give it to anyone else. And I'll stop being so dependent. But I'll be there for you when you're ready, too.
Just please... don't feel like you're deserving of hate or that you did something terrible that you deserve to be hated for.
You're a beautiful person, my Little Fox. Just a little unhinged and adorable, and so thoughtful when it comes down to it. I know you'll find whatever you're looking for to satisfy yourself, with or without me.
I'll always believe in your ability to have your true amazing and kind self shine through the hurt and fear you armor yourself with. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't love you on knowing you.
Some people really don't realize the real treasure they have on hand when they do. But they surely will in time, just as I did.
Good night, Sam. I'll catch you around.
Don't be a stranger.
8
no subject
no subject
9
Everyone leaves you, Sam.
Because you make them.
how did I actually destroy the only two longest relationships I've had that didnt start out as convenience and I took an instant liking to in less than 24 hour?
Oh yeah
goddamn skill issue, Sam
I hate it I hate this. I hate them I hate myself. I hate hate hate hate hate hatehatehateevery person because if it's not hate it has to be love because that's the lll only other emotion close enough and I can't can't can't especially after ruining suddenly decide I love them instead—
I am begging you, self, just pick someone anyone to blame that's not us. Just for a little while, anyone is FINE just separate it from it. ]
10
...Vera, the least you could have done after everything was make sure that you pulled the trigger on me the same way you did on yourself instead of only killing one of us, you selfish—
[ he doesn't feel good, he's going to be sick. whatever he knows how to deal with it and that's exactly what he'll roll off his bed to go and do. ]
4
YOU KNOW
IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT LOVED YOU, SAM— ]
5
Have I figured out who to blame this on yet, it's really fucking important I absolve myself right now— Should I blame Jun? No he didn't do anything recently I can't even pretend he fucked up my coffee because I blew his phone up the night before one of his tests. ]
6
Chiffon. No.
Jewel. No.
Belle. No.
Jun. No.
Sparrow. No.
Icarus you dumb bitch you're never around when I need you if I had any contact with you in the last month I could kick this off on you. No.
Audra WHY— No.
Coquette. Ahh no she's now only the only one that's gonna spread her legs for you, she's also the only one that will fuck you and maybe step on you for good measure. No.
Uriel. No.
Gray. THIS IS YOUR GODDAMN SON'S FAULT— No.
Hex. No.
Acidia. No.
Sun Sign. No.
Eonia. No.
Holy Order. No.
Unholy Disorder. No.
Siren's Melodies. Probably—ok no.
Cirrus. No.
Forge. No.
Booker.
Sure except he hasn't pissed me off yet due to nebulous time stamps. No.Breezy. No.
Cash. No.
Friday. Why n— okay, no.
I know a lot more people than I remember knowing before and yet I can't actually find anyone to blame this on what the hell is wrong with me is my conscious not even letting me emotionally cope with this shit by being an ass where only I know I am being an ass.
Brocade. Actually it's it time v to meet with him yet No.
Myself. Ye— ABSOLUTELY NOT. ]
7
—ah, chiffon replied better do that first. ]