Not right now. But I'll initiate hugs when I feel fine with them with you and some others again. And you can hug me whenever you want, after that.
For now, no sex and sleeping over, no kissing and hugs. We can hold hands, though. And you can touch my head if you want.
[ Considering how tactile she is, this is a huge ask. ]
You do give the best hugs, and I usually love your kisses and when we have sex, so I hate that I'm doing this. But I want to not feel like I'm an afterthought as a person, first.
[ this is fine he never wants to have sex ever again this point he just wants to erase the last twenty-four hours but oh well deal with it Sam you only got three people who currently hate you in the moment, that's fine mostly. oh and you found out some new people care about you, Sam. They didn't want you jumping off the ship. and they encouraged you to try and fix shit. Except he can't do anything fcck.
okook. this is fine. He's just going to finish this up and go to the rage room with brocade and everything will be f i n e .
chiffon is not angry at you, she hurt because she has such bad taste. But she's not going to leave you and you should be groveling in graciousness.
belle did not ask to deal with my shit and I dumped it on him. He's never been that harsh with me before but I'm sure this too will blow over and I won't have to even apologize for being a selfish fuck.
Jewel is whatever the fuck. There is nothing that's going to happen he's probably already fucking at least five other people oh Sam doesn't care though because fucking body parts right now are so unsexy anyway son of a bitch he is going to strangle that cunt producer when this is all said and done. and Jewel doesn't even have you most likely because he didn't give a flying fuck to begin with.
Is this just a panic attack his dick is having because he's not going to get sex for a while? could be really be that shallow? ]
[ clearly the best option is to distract himself and also blame someone else for all of this. Not Chiffon, but anyone else. okay he can't blame Jewel either Belle's resting bitch face is still very clear in his mind along with him beating me with the slab of REASONS WHY YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID BITCH SAMUEL A MURDOCH I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THIS TOPIC
except my body is still twitching two hours later and he's not done wringing me out to dry yet!!
by the way did I ever even confirm a celebrity is worth it? Belle's right this is disgusting behavior
ohh I still haven't written a reply to Chiff just gonna hold this thought. ]
You can call on me if you want, whenever you like. That's not going to change.
I know it will feel awkward, but like this, I won't expect more from you when you'd rather give it to anyone else. And I'll stop being so dependent. But I'll be there for you when you're ready, too.
Just please... don't feel like you're deserving of hate or that you did something terrible that you deserve to be hated for.
You're a beautiful person, my Little Fox. Just a little unhinged and adorable, and so thoughtful when it comes down to it. I know you'll find whatever you're looking for to satisfy yourself, with or without me.
I'll always believe in your ability to have your true amazing and kind self shine through the hurt and fear you armor yourself with. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't love you on knowing you.
Some people really don't realize the real treasure they have on hand when they do. But they surely will in time, just as I did.
[ today and the last twelve days are exactly why are the way you. you're trying so hard to protect yourself you hurt everyone that gives half a shit. And then you whine about them leaving you.
Everyone leaves you, Sam.
Because you make them.
how did I actually destroy the only two longest relationships I've had that didnt start out as convenience and I took an instant liking to in less than 24 hour?
Oh yeah
goddamn skill issue, Sam
I hate it I hate this. I hate them I hate myself. I hate hate hate hate hate hatehatehateevery person because if it's not hate it has to be love because that's the lll only other emotion close enough and I can't can't can't especially after ruining suddenly decide I love them instead—
I am begging you, self, just pick someone anyone to blame that's not us. Just for a little while, anyone is FINE just separate it from it. ]
[ taking that memory was a bad idea while like this. But at least, he assures himself as he stares up coldly at the ceiling, he finally figured the real person to blame for this. ]
...Vera, the least you could have done after everything was make sure that you pulled the trigger on me the same way you did on yourself instead of only killing one of us, you selfish—
[ he doesn't feel good, he's going to be sick. whatever he knows how to deal with it and that's exactly what he'll roll off his bed to go and do. ]
[ oh wait, that's also your fault because you're so goddamn scared of feeling anything that you don't let anyone feel for you
Have I figured out who to blame this on yet, it's really fucking important I absolve myself right now— Should I blame Jun? No he didn't do anything recently I can't even pretend he fucked up my coffee because I blew his phone up the night before one of his tests. ]
Chiffon. No. Jewel. No. Belle. No. Jun. No. Sparrow. No. Icarus you dumb bitch you're never around when I need you if I had any contact with you in the last month I could kick this off on you. No. Audra WHY— No. Coquette. Ahh no she's now only the only one that's gonna spread her legs for you, she's also the only one that will fuck you and maybe step on you for good measure. No. Uriel. No. Gray. THIS IS YOUR GODDAMN SON'S FAULT— No. Hex. No. Acidia. No. Sun Sign. No. Eonia. No. Holy Order. No. Unholy Disorder. No. Siren's Melodies. Probably—ok no. Cirrus. No. Forge. No. Booker. Sure except he hasn't pissed me off yet due to nebulous time stamps. No. Breezy. No. Cash. No. Friday. Why n— okay, no.
I know a lot more people than I remember knowing before and yet I can't actually find anyone to blame this on what the hell is wrong with me is my conscious not even letting me emotionally cope with this shit by being an ass where only I know I am being an ass. Brocade. Actually it's it time v to meet with him yet No.
[ fuck it I don't care about anyone or anything I'm gonna go eat my star candy and see what fucking misery business the Ticketmaster gave me that will surely distract me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: Day 213-4-ish, night (nebulous time for now)
But I'll initiate hugs when I feel fine with them with you and some others again.
And you can hug me whenever you want, after that.
For now, no sex and sleeping over, no kissing and hugs.
We can hold hands, though. And you can touch my head if you want.
[ Considering how tactile she is, this is a huge ask. ]
You do give the best hugs, and I usually love your kisses and when we have sex, so I hate that I'm doing this.
But I want to not feel like I'm an afterthought as a person, first.
1/?
okook. this is fine. He's just going to finish this up and go to the rage room with brocade and everything will be f i n e .
chiffon is not angry at you, she hurt because she has such bad taste. But she's not going to leave you and you should be groveling in graciousness.
belle did not ask to deal with my shit and I dumped it on him. He's never been that harsh with me before but I'm sure this too will blow over and I won't have to even apologize for being a selfish fuck.
Jewel is whatever the fuck. There is nothing that's going to happen he's probably already fucking at least five other people oh Sam doesn't care though because fucking body parts right now are so unsexy anyway son of a bitch he is going to strangle that cunt producer when this is all said and done. and Jewel doesn't even have you most likely because he didn't give a flying fuck to begin with.
Is this just a panic attack his dick is having because he's not going to get sex for a while? could be really be that shallow? ]
2
except my body is still twitching two hours later and he's not done wringing me out to dry yet!!
by the way did I ever even confirm a celebrity is worth it? Belle's right this is disgusting behavior
ohh I still haven't written a reply to Chiff just gonna hold this thought. ]
3
no subject
That's not going to change.
I know it will feel awkward, but like this, I won't expect more from you when you'd rather give it to anyone else. And I'll stop being so dependent. But I'll be there for you when you're ready, too.
Just please... don't feel like you're deserving of hate or that you did something terrible that you deserve to be hated for.
You're a beautiful person, my Little Fox. Just a little unhinged and adorable, and so thoughtful when it comes down to it. I know you'll find whatever you're looking for to satisfy yourself, with or without me.
I'll always believe in your ability to have your true amazing and kind self shine through the hurt and fear you armor yourself with. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't love you on knowing you.
Some people really don't realize the real treasure they have on hand when they do. But they surely will in time, just as I did.
Good night, Sam. I'll catch you around.
Don't be a stranger.
8
no subject
no subject
9
Everyone leaves you, Sam.
Because you make them.
how did I actually destroy the only two longest relationships I've had that didnt start out as convenience and I took an instant liking to in less than 24 hour?
Oh yeah
goddamn skill issue, Sam
I hate it I hate this. I hate them I hate myself. I hate hate hate hate hate hatehatehateevery person because if it's not hate it has to be love because that's the lll only other emotion close enough and I can't can't can't especially after ruining suddenly decide I love them instead—
I am begging you, self, just pick someone anyone to blame that's not us. Just for a little while, anyone is FINE just separate it from it. ]
10
...Vera, the least you could have done after everything was make sure that you pulled the trigger on me the same way you did on yourself instead of only killing one of us, you selfish—
[ he doesn't feel good, he's going to be sick. whatever he knows how to deal with it and that's exactly what he'll roll off his bed to go and do. ]
4
YOU KNOW
IF ONLY THERE WAS SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT LOVED YOU, SAM— ]
5
Have I figured out who to blame this on yet, it's really fucking important I absolve myself right now— Should I blame Jun? No he didn't do anything recently I can't even pretend he fucked up my coffee because I blew his phone up the night before one of his tests. ]
6
Chiffon. No.
Jewel. No.
Belle. No.
Jun. No.
Sparrow. No.
Icarus you dumb bitch you're never around when I need you if I had any contact with you in the last month I could kick this off on you. No.
Audra WHY— No.
Coquette. Ahh no she's now only the only one that's gonna spread her legs for you, she's also the only one that will fuck you and maybe step on you for good measure. No.
Uriel. No.
Gray. THIS IS YOUR GODDAMN SON'S FAULT— No.
Hex. No.
Acidia. No.
Sun Sign. No.
Eonia. No.
Holy Order. No.
Unholy Disorder. No.
Siren's Melodies. Probably—ok no.
Cirrus. No.
Forge. No.
Booker.
Sure except he hasn't pissed me off yet due to nebulous time stamps. No.Breezy. No.
Cash. No.
Friday. Why n— okay, no.
I know a lot more people than I remember knowing before and yet I can't actually find anyone to blame this on what the hell is wrong with me is my conscious not even letting me emotionally cope with this shit by being an ass where only I know I am being an ass.
Brocade. Actually it's it time v to meet with him yet No.
Myself. Ye— ABSOLUTELY NOT. ]
7
—ah, chiffon replied better do that first. ]