vapour | (no subject)

[Dials him up, deciding to call instead]

Hey.

[ he'll pick up. ]

Hey there. How are you feeling, relatively speaking?

Relatively speaking? Still bad… Its less the physical stuff and more the…everything else stuff. I’m more than a little embarrassed.

[ his laugh is gentle but sad. he definitely feels for Jewel. ] If I can do anything at all to help you, please just say the words.

Not surprising or unusual. Please don't be too hard on yourself if you can manage it.

I can’t really tell if I’m being too hard on myself or not hard enough.

That's fair. Maybe ... it's still a little early for you to be thinking like that at all, then.

Still, you probably just want things back to normal as quickly as possible. If you need to talk about it, I'm all ears. But you might have to explain the situation if you want me to do anything beyond just listen. I can do that, too, though.

Or, we can talk about or do something else.

You sure you're up to listening to a guy complain about himself at length?

Aha, I'm flattered you think I'm nice enough to offer to do something I'm not actually up for. Please keep thinking highly of me.

Come on, I'm here for you. Go for it. We're friends, yeah? I wanna listen.

[Lays back, cradling the phone between his ear and shoulder]

Forgive me in advance for being overly dramatic then.

I'm a novelist. You'll always be forgiven for such things.

[Groans, covering his face with his hands and taking a deep breath first]

....the best way I can explain it is probably that I feel a little like a blackhole. If that makes sense. It sounds lame even to me, but.

How so?

Mmm.....people pour a lot into me. Time. Caring. Gifts. Affection. They want so badly to help me..... And I don't really know that I can be helped? Sometimes it feels a little like they're wasting their resources and I feel guilty, even if they don't mind and don't feel it is a waste.

Ah, okay, I get it now.

Do these things not make you feel better?

They do, but....they also make me feel worse? I know it's not like they give me those things expecting anything in return...but also I don't really know that they're getting a fair return.

[ Sam hums, nodding thoughtfully on his end as he waits for Jewel to continue. ]

Do normal people think about things in those sort of terms or is that just an industry thing?

Everyone thinks about the give and take on some level, I think. So I would say it's more normal than you might think.

How much do you think about it?

All the time, admittedly.

[Rolls over. There’s the crinkling sound of the comforter under him as he finds a better position]

How do you feel everything shakes out for you? Pretty fair? Not so much…?

....Ah ... well, I don't think I'm a good example for you, I have it very easy overall. It is pretty fair as I don't give much of anything and I don't receive anything in turn as a result. There's always someone who is the outlier, though, even in a situation like mine. And... I can say that it hurts to see them supporting me and wanting something for me when I know I will never be able to be what they wish for me. But that person is also not capable of giving me what would make me happy or, as you put it, what could 'fix' me. And, I think what would do that would actually make them even sadder than I already make them. Which I don't want, either. It's not a good feeling to wrestle with, so if it's anything like you're feeling, I feel deeply for you and don't wish that on anyone.

It also might be different from what you're describing, but for that person and me... it does come off really unfair of me. Even though it's just one relationship it's enough to trouble me. You have many of these and it must be very hard.

Edited 2025-01-23 15:20 (UTC)

I’m sorry… Is that person on the boat too? Or someone back home?

Silly, why are you sorry?

They're here.

It sounds like a tough situation all around, that’s all.

What do you think would make you happy then?

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