vapour | (no subject)

[Lays back, cradling the phone between his ear and shoulder]

Forgive me in advance for being overly dramatic then.

I'm a novelist. You'll always be forgiven for such things.

[Groans, covering his face with his hands and taking a deep breath first]

....the best way I can explain it is probably that I feel a little like a blackhole. If that makes sense. It sounds lame even to me, but.

How so?

Mmm.....people pour a lot into me. Time. Caring. Gifts. Affection. They want so badly to help me..... And I don't really know that I can be helped? Sometimes it feels a little like they're wasting their resources and I feel guilty, even if they don't mind and don't feel it is a waste.

Ah, okay, I get it now.

Do these things not make you feel better?

They do, but....they also make me feel worse? I know it's not like they give me those things expecting anything in return...but also I don't really know that they're getting a fair return.

[ Sam hums, nodding thoughtfully on his end as he waits for Jewel to continue. ]

Do normal people think about things in those sort of terms or is that just an industry thing?

Everyone thinks about the give and take on some level, I think. So I would say it's more normal than you might think.

How much do you think about it?

All the time, admittedly.

[Rolls over. There’s the crinkling sound of the comforter under him as he finds a better position]

How do you feel everything shakes out for you? Pretty fair? Not so much…?

....Ah ... well, I don't think I'm a good example for you, I have it very easy overall. It is pretty fair as I don't give much of anything and I don't receive anything in turn as a result. There's always someone who is the outlier, though, even in a situation like mine. And... I can say that it hurts to see them supporting me and wanting something for me when I know I will never be able to be what they wish for me. But that person is also not capable of giving me what would make me happy or, as you put it, what could 'fix' me. And, I think what would do that would actually make them even sadder than I already make them. Which I don't want, either. It's not a good feeling to wrestle with, so if it's anything like you're feeling, I feel deeply for you and don't wish that on anyone.

It also might be different from what you're describing, but for that person and me... it does come off really unfair of me. Even though it's just one relationship it's enough to trouble me. You have many of these and it must be very hard.

Edited 2025-01-23 15:20 (UTC)

I’m sorry… Is that person on the boat too? Or someone back home?

Silly, why are you sorry?

They're here.

It sounds like a tough situation all around, that’s all.

What do you think would make you happy then?

Not as tough as yours. And don't misunderstand, I'm trying to commiserate with you, but I'm feeling okay right now. You aren't, so I want to focus on your feelings. You're very sweet, though.

Hmmm, now that I don't know if I should tell you. I'm supposed to be listening to you, not giving you potentially bad ideas, haha!

I would complain more, but honestly I don’t quite know my feelings. I’m used to things either being too busy to process them or having my life so simplified I don’t have to face them…

[Rolls over again, huffing quietly]

If you say that, I’m going to wind up even more curious. Besides, I have plenty of bad ideas on my own, you wouldn’t need to worry about giving me any.

You can complain whenever you feel a desire to, then. It doesn't have to be on this phone call.

[ Sam laughs it muffled a bit by probably his pillow as he shifts around in his bed, trying to get comfortable with his stuffed narwhal. ]

I guess that's fair enough. One of two things would make me happy, I think.

Finding someone that loves me the same way I love them or just disappearing. I used to think disappearing would be the easier of the two, but I guess the joke's on me for that.

Edited 2025-01-23 23:32 (UTC)

Careful. If you say that I may just start complaining to you all the time then. I enjoy complaining.

And…disappearing isn’t easy at all, take it from me.

I like the sound of your voice usually, so maybe I would enjoy it. I'd just have to figure out how to keep ya quiet when it gets annoying~. Have a favorite treat I can give you for that sometime?

Normally I'd say that's just because you're a super famous celebrity! ... However, considering I have the ability to make people forget and I still haven't been able to do it... I think I have to take your word as the hard truth.

Edited 2025-01-23 23:42 (UTC)

What if I name something extra ridiculous just to make sure you can’t find it on the ship? Once my complaining starts, I won’t be silenced. Even by treats.

Bah?! That's soooo uncute. Everyone has a Sc*oby Snack they can't resist!!

I regret to inform you I’m not a terribly cute person.

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