[ Sam flinches but doesn't pull away (why does he flinch, though? Shouldn't he feel powerful? Untouchable? Shouldn't he feel that clearly no one and nothing can touch him from that vision because Death can't go after itself, afterall—)
He blinks suddenly, realizing tears are stinging his eyes and yes he understands why he's flinching away now— this is a side of him Sam never wanted Jun or anyone else aware of. Even if it's his other self, it's still the same. This is the type of person he is. He doesn't kill quite to the level his other self clearly must to be so flippant and casual in his methods, but it doesn't matter. Murder is still murder. And although every time Sam tells himself it's justified or otherwise deserved, the way he knee-jerk reacts to this all tells him he's never convinced himself of it.
(And in the back of his mind, where this has settled and fused itself to the other memories of this person he follows the chronicles of, he hears them laugh, as if flabbergasted:
Oh, you can't hide from it forever. What's your name, again? Sam, right? Do you remember mine, yet? Do you remember what you really are? It doesn't look like it, but does that matter? You already know exactly what you are, it seems.
Sam breathes in deeply, sharply— but is probably not very good about taking his time. His breath catches and stutters similar to the contracting of his muscles in his diaphragm. He tries again, but the frustration that wells up in him makes it worse— he's panicking. ]
—I'm okay.
[ he's not, and that upsets him even more. There had been so much else than this to see, so much else to experience on this boat and yet yet...
At least he didn't hurt the child. At least ...
(but that thought, too, seems to agitate the voice that's been slowly coagulating into a solid form memory after memory, enough that he feels the sharp edge cut like a knife in his psyche: Don't act surprised like you didn't already know monsters can't have their own codes of conduct to follow when you have yours.) ]
[ Jun takes in that ragged breathing, the wetness in his eyes that pride or stubbornness prevent from falling, and the thoughts that he cannot hear but cannot be described as anything other than loud. While their friendship (both this one and the one prior to Sam's memory loss) had been comfortable, it also had been one that did not carve too deep into each other's pasts. So Jun cannot imagine what demons haunt Sam in the waking hours to cause such a reaction. Far more than just the horrors which appear in the visions. ]
You are not okay.
[ He tugs Sam down to put his head in Jun's lap, a position that settled him enough before to get some rest when the nightmares would not die down. ]
But that is alright. You do not have to be right now.
[ Sam doesn't pull away, but his jaw clenches even as he buries his face against the other's thigh. It's not... helping. Why is it not helping. Jun will feel the wetness that starts to seep into the fabric of his pants where Sam has his face pressed.
This absolutely... ugh. He's so frustrated. Frustrated by his inability to control himself, his inability to not let this silly vision affect him (because it's silly, this performance was tame overall, he shouldn't be letting his mind run away with all of this. Even this vision is tame. He's killed too many to be that hung up about it—)
He doesn't understand (he does a little, he does recognize this is partly he's upset over Jun seeing this, but even then he still feels like it doesn't make sense.)
Sad story for you, huh? But what's exactly wrong with our stories being fundamentally the same, anyway? What's wrong with being useful for what we're best at?
You don't really care what it is you're good at so long as you're useful, we both know that. ]
[ Jun does not say anything for the moment. Instead, he just reaches out to card a hand through Sam's hair until it seems he has calmed down a little. Whether that be less wetness seeping into his trousers or Sam's breathing finally evening it out, it does not matter. Nor does it matter how long it takes.
It does not matter because no matter how many visions he watches, Sam will always be Sam to Jun. And whatever the Showmaster is trying to achieve by having him watch these scenes will not get in the way of the friendship that he has forged with him, not once now but twice.
[ His hand pauses mid-comb before it starts up again, this time smoothing it to tame it to its normal state of disarray. ]
You do not have to apologize for there are no right or wrong answers to what you are feeling.
You saw something terrifying in a way that this whole performance is trying to pass off as mundane and everyday. I would be more concerned if you did not have a strong reaction to it.
This just keeps getting worse. I really wanted to believe at least a little good could come out of all this somehow for everyone involved even if we all have to suffer. But that's not the case, at least not for me so far. I want to go home. [ he just wants to go back to living alone and not worrying other people or worrying about other people or trying to make friends or be normal or going out of his way to help others through this shit, anymore. ]
I do not think you are the only one on the ship that feels this way. That they wish this was all a dream— or perhaps better termed a nightmare that they might be able to wake from.
Ah, no...This place isn't asking anything of me, really, is it? It doesn't ask anything of me, that's the problem.
And I can't accept that, Jun. Because between the two of us, you are less equipped for this nightmare than I am. Please be selfish for your own benefit and well-being. If it's between the two of us, I want you safe.
I'm not as equipped to handle this place as you. In fact, I would say that I feel oddly solitary in how poorly I am adjusting to everything. Nor do I believe I have the courage to stay if the Ticketmaster were to offer me a way off of this ship.
[ Jun is silent for a moment before he attempts to grab Sam by the face and tilt his head so they are looking at each other. ]
But that doesn't make that thought of you being forced to stagnate here any less painful.
How does one measure the suffering of a bird with clipped wings, after all.
[ Sam doesn't say anything immediately, just looking up at his friend a bit helplessly. ]
...Jun, don't think like that. The way most people on this boat respond to our circumstances are abnormal. Most of them don't have the experiences or the training to adapt or behave as they do, and at least for me this makes them that much more untrustworthy. There's nothing cowardly or poor about these feelings you have, especially about your own self-preservation. It makes you one of very few people with any sense of genuinity here.
So, I... what I mean is... if that ever happens, don't let those thoughts hurt you that much. Because at least with you back there, home is actually worth trying to get back to again for me. Right now, even if I want to go home to escape these visions, there's nothing and no one for me to go back to.
[ His brows knit for just a moment, some of that helplessness returned. For how could Jun not feel that way regarding Sam. Sam moved through life like a whirlwind, barely stopping to look at his surroundings before heading off on the next adventure.
So perhaps he really didn't see the people in his life. Did not see the crowd of people who were worried about him about during the last performance. And if he did not see that, then what did Sam really see instead? ]
Then if I return home first, I will wait for you. Continue taking shifts at the cafe even if I've passed the bar. Stay in the city as long as I can afford to do so.
So that when you return, you have at least something to return to.
[ he doesn't. Sam sees nothing because seeing nothing is easier than trying to piece together why there are people that care.
he laughs gently now. ] ...Ah, working at the cafe after you pass the bar is cruel and unusual punishment, don't you think? But, thank you... that's very kind of you. If you go home before I do, though, I'll make sure that this time it's me that doesn't stop until I find you again. I don't want you putting a pause on your life. You have a lot to look forward to.
I don't give you a lot of value, just a lot of burden. I'm sure you feel happy on some level I trust you enough to bother you with stuff like this, but it must feel exhausting. Like, when's the last time we hung around and just were happy together? That's what I mean.
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Re: DAY 236; Jun
He blinks suddenly, realizing tears are stinging his eyes and yes he understands why he's flinching away now— this is a side of him Sam never wanted Jun or anyone else aware of. Even if it's his other self, it's still the same. This is the type of person he is. He doesn't kill quite to the level his other self clearly must to be so flippant and casual in his methods, but it doesn't matter. Murder is still murder. And although every time Sam tells himself it's justified or otherwise deserved, the way he knee-jerk reacts to this all tells him he's never convinced himself of it.
(And in the back of his mind, where this has settled and fused itself to the other memories of this person he follows the chronicles of, he hears them laugh, as if flabbergasted:
Oh, you can't hide from it forever. What's your name, again? Sam, right? Do you remember mine, yet? Do you remember what you really are? It doesn't look like it, but does that matter? You already know exactly what you are, it seems.
Sam breathes in deeply, sharply— but is probably not very good about taking his time. His breath catches and stutters similar to the contracting of his muscles in his diaphragm. He tries again, but the frustration that wells up in him makes it worse— he's panicking. ]
—I'm okay.
[ he's not, and that upsets him even more. There had been so much else than this to see, so much else to experience on this boat and yet yet...
At least he didn't hurt the child. At least ...
(but that thought, too, seems to agitate the voice that's been slowly coagulating into a solid form memory after memory, enough that he feels the sharp edge cut like a knife in his psyche: Don't act surprised like you didn't already know monsters can't have their own codes of conduct to follow when you have yours.) ]
Re: DAY 236; Jun
You are not okay.
[ He tugs Sam down to put his head in Jun's lap, a position that settled him enough before to get some rest when the nightmares would not die down. ]
But that is alright. You do not have to be right now.
Re: DAY 236; Jun
This absolutely... ugh. He's so frustrated. Frustrated by his inability to control himself, his inability to not let this silly vision affect him (because it's silly, this performance was tame overall, he shouldn't be letting his mind run away with all of this. Even this vision is tame. He's killed too many to be that hung up about it—)
He doesn't understand (he does a little, he does recognize this is partly he's upset over Jun seeing this, but even then he still feels like it doesn't make sense.)
Sad story for you, huh? But what's exactly wrong with our stories being fundamentally the same, anyway? What's wrong with being useful for what we're best at?
You don't really care what it is you're good at so long as you're useful, we both know that. ]
Re: DAY 236; Jun
It does not matter because no matter how many visions he watches, Sam will always be Sam to Jun. And whatever the Showmaster is trying to achieve by having him watch these scenes will not get in the way of the friendship that he has forged with him, not once now but twice.
The Sam he knows does not kill like that. ]
Re: DAY 236; Jun
...Sorry. I probably overreacted.
Re: DAY 236; Jun
You do not have to apologize for there are no right or wrong answers to what you are feeling.
You saw something terrifying in a way that this whole performance is trying to pass off as mundane and everyday. I would be more concerned if you did not have a strong reaction to it.
Re: DAY 236; Jun
This just keeps getting worse. I really wanted to believe at least a little good could come out of all this somehow for everyone involved even if we all have to suffer. But that's not the case, at least not for me so far. I want to go home. [ he just wants to go back to living alone and not worrying other people or worrying about other people or trying to make friends or be normal or going out of his way to help others through this shit, anymore. ]
That is really selfish of me, but ...
Re: DAY 236; Jun
I do not think you are the only one on the ship that feels this way. That they wish this was all a dream— or perhaps better termed a nightmare that they might be able to wake from.
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Anyone who cares for you would not wish this fate upon you.
Might I ask that you extend that same care and devotion for yourself?
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Is it unfair to ask one more thing of you when this place already asks so much?
What if I wished for you to go home, and therefore took that bit of selfish burden upon myself.
Re: DAY 236; Jun
And I can't accept that, Jun. Because between the two of us, you are less equipped for this nightmare than I am. Please be selfish for your own benefit and well-being. If it's between the two of us, I want you safe.
Re: DAY 236; Jun
I'm not as equipped to handle this place as you. In fact, I would say that I feel oddly solitary in how poorly I am adjusting to everything. Nor do I believe I have the courage to stay if the Ticketmaster were to offer me a way off of this ship.
[ Jun is silent for a moment before he attempts to grab Sam by the face and tilt his head so they are looking at each other. ]
But that doesn't make that thought of you being forced to stagnate here any less painful.
How does one measure the suffering of a bird with clipped wings, after all.
Re: DAY 236; Jun
...Jun, don't think like that. The way most people on this boat respond to our circumstances are abnormal. Most of them don't have the experiences or the training to adapt or behave as they do, and at least for me this makes them that much more untrustworthy. There's nothing cowardly or poor about these feelings you have, especially about your own self-preservation. It makes you one of very few people with any sense of genuinity here.
So, I... what I mean is... if that ever happens, don't let those thoughts hurt you that much. Because at least with you back there, home is actually worth trying to get back to again for me. Right now, even if I want to go home to escape these visions, there's nothing and no one for me to go back to.
Re: DAY 236; Jun
So perhaps he really didn't see the people in his life. Did not see the crowd of people who were worried about him about during the last performance. And if he did not see that, then what did Sam really see instead? ]
Then if I return home first, I will wait for you. Continue taking shifts at the cafe even if I've passed the bar. Stay in the city as long as I can afford to do so.
So that when you return, you have at least something to return to.
Re: DAY 236; Jun
he laughs gently now. ] ...Ah, working at the cafe after you pass the bar is cruel and unusual punishment, don't you think? But, thank you... that's very kind of you. If you go home before I do, though, I'll make sure that this time it's me that doesn't stop until I find you again. I don't want you putting a pause on your life. You have a lot to look forward to.
Re: DAY 236; Jun
What do you think of our friendship?
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun
You are not being unfair to me. You are my friend, and I treasure you greatly.
Re: DAY 236; Jun
I'll believe half of what you say this time, if only because I think you don't realize you deserve so much better. Thank you though, it means a lot.
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun
Re: DAY 236; Jun