...'Tch. I knew a lot of people that died. More than Chiffon, only not as well, it still bothered me more than I expected. The monster had human body parts in it and I couldn't get them out of my head. I needed company to sleep, and I had told Jewel I might need him for it later. Once Jewel left after we met up, I obviously couldn't sleep.
Next day I find out Audra is missing. Chiffon is hurt by my actions. I'm feeling extremely useless by this point. I then remember the memory of my death and it just keeps looping.
So I got more and more desperate to shut out the loop, but I need to sleep to be able to do that. I then got into an argument with a friend about my inability to sleep and that I wasn't pressuring Acidia enough for it, which made me snap and just give zero fucks about how I did I just so long as I could successfully sleep.
But stop blaming yourself -and others who have nothing to do with the reason for that blame- for something that was clearly out of your control, and has no bearing on anyone else but you.
You were deeply hurt, by whatever it was that made you start to think like this. You need to accept that, first and allow yourself actual comfort, and not the kind you think you need in a fuck or ten. As easy as the latter sounds and is.
[ Sam is quiet for several moments. He'll chuckle airily, then. ]
It's going to take a while to do that like you said, so I guess I can pretend that I know such a person will come into my life at some point. After all, I think we all hold out hope there is at least one special someone out there for us.
Anyway, I'll work on taking your advice. In the meantime, I've had a belly full of human interaction to turn me off for a lifetime. I'm staying away from the Arias with the exception of Gray and Jem for a few days. I think you said it perfectly before, I've been getting too closely involved with your Family. This way you need not worry anyone you care about that I'm dragging in. Since I can't stop you from insisting on coddling me, but you have a very suspicious nature of my intent. Which... is fair, I suppose?
[ not that he doesn't appreciate it after he has no one to coddle him... but at the same time he's thinking back in Belle's harshness and asking him all those things about why he was interested in Jewel. ]
I promise within the next 24 hours I will be back to being as normal as I could possibly be before having got on this ship. This was a fun game, but I'm not much of performer on stage, and I am quite sure I've given the wrong impression.
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Re: Day 215 ~ 3am
Don't be obtuse. Tell me everything.
Re: Day 215 ~ 3am
...'Tch. I knew a lot of people that died. More than Chiffon, only not as well, it still bothered me more than I expected.
The monster had human body parts in it and I couldn't get them out of my head. I needed company to sleep, and I had told Jewel I might need him for it later.
Once Jewel left after we met up, I obviously couldn't sleep.
Next day I find out Audra is missing. Chiffon is hurt by my actions. I'm feeling extremely useless by this point. I then remember the memory of my death and it just keeps looping.
So I got more and more desperate to shut out the loop, but I need to sleep to be able to do that. I then got into an argument with a friend about my inability to sleep and that I wasn't pressuring Acidia enough for it, which made me snap and just give zero fucks about how I did I just so long as I could successfully sleep.
That's all...
Re: Day 215 ~ 3am
... so you saw your memory, then. What did you learn about this "death"?
Re: Day 215 ~ 3am
Seems to be the source of why I'm so afraid of being manipulated. If my own sister who loved me so much could do it then why not everyone?
Re: Day 215 ~ 3am
At least you admit that you're afraid. How's the doubting everyone's intentions worked out for you?
Re: Day 215 ~ 3am
Re: Day 215 ~ 3am
Re: Day 215 ~ 3am
Re: Day 215 ~ 3am
I'll judge you always for the latter, but it's your choice either way. It's not like my advice will change your mind until you're willing to take it.
Re: Day 215 ~ 3am
Can't choose not to listen if I don't know what I'm not listening to.
Re: Day 215 ~ 3am
[ Affectionate. ]
It might not happen now, it might take years...
But stop blaming yourself -and others who have nothing to do with the reason for that blame- for something that was clearly out of your control, and has no bearing on anyone else but you.
You were deeply hurt, by whatever it was that made you start to think like this. You need to accept that, first and allow yourself actual comfort, and not the kind you think you need in a fuck or ten. As easy as the latter sounds and is.
Re: Day 215 ~ 3am
It's going to take a while to do that like you said, so I guess I can pretend that I know such a person will come into my life at some point. After all, I think we all hold out hope there is at least one special someone out there for us.
Anyway, I'll work on taking your advice. In the meantime, I've had a belly full of human interaction to turn me off for a lifetime. I'm staying away from the Arias with the exception of Gray and Jem for a few days. I think you said it perfectly before, I've been getting too closely involved with your Family. This way you need not worry anyone you care about that I'm dragging in. Since I can't stop you from insisting on coddling me, but you have a very suspicious nature of my intent. Which... is fair, I suppose?
[ not that he doesn't appreciate it after he has no one to coddle him... but at the same time he's thinking back in Belle's harshness and asking him all those things about why he was interested in Jewel. ]
I promise within the next 24 hours I will be back to being as normal as I could possibly be before having got on this ship. This was a fun game, but I'm not much of performer on stage, and I am quite sure I've given the wrong impression.